The cage fight called divorce

FUNMILAYO AREMU reports on the stand of religion on divorce, the psychological effect of physical abuse in marriages and why victims of such abuse find it difficult to leave and enter into another relationship.

All new couples usually begin their marital journey with the common phrase “together forever,” which essentially implies that they want to spend the rest of their lives immersed in each other’s affection, no matter what life throws at them. Usually, after the union is consummated, a new marital adventure begins, with neither of them anticipating what the future has in store for them.

Couples who once loved each other to bits might begin to notice traits or attitudes in their spouses that they did not see or refused to acknowledge before marriage as life as a couple begins to spring surprises.

As parents and well-wishers frequently advise, the wife is expected to be tolerant of her husband’s excesses. According to cultural and religious norms, the man is the head of the family and his wife, regardless of her social status, is expected to submit to him. More often than not, the reality sets in when the young couple is constantly at odds over minor concerns. When conflicts arise, some couples who are unable to control their emotions tend to lash out at one another, either physically or verbally.

In recent times,  incidents of domestic abuse in marriages usually come to light after one partner might have murdered or caused serious physical harm to the other. Sunday Tribune discovered that this act of violence is not limited to one gender, as incidence of both genders physically abusing their spouses now dominate media space nowadays.

On Friday, April 8th, a prominent gospel singer, OsinachiNwachukwu, allegedly died as a result of complications from domestic violence. While the cause of death is yet to be verified by the Nigeria Police, the information provided by the deceased’s sister and children indicates that the singer may have been subjected to physical and verbal abuse by her husband.

As word of her death spread, many individuals took to social media to air their views on the matter. While some apportioned blame, others maintained that the late singer did well by remaining in her marriage despite all odds, claiming that she fought a good fight and suffered as a Christian wife ought to.

 

Why is it difficult to opt out?

The outrage over the incident also caused some victims to speak out on social media, having picked up courage to leave their abusive relationships. Amongst them was a soon-to-be bride, who spoke about the series of abuse she has suffered at the hands of her fiancé while apologiing to the guests as she called off her wedding.

Though the about-to-be bride might have opted out of her marriage, many others, like Osinachi opted to remain in their marriages. The question then is why do they chose to remain?

In the case of Osinachi, her sister reportedly revealed that she remained in the marriage ‘because God hates divorce,’ and that she did not want people to see her and curse God. She added that her sister also did not want to be regarded as a failure or be treated with disdain whenever she ministers to people.

 

Religions and marriages of  deaths

The question  many Nigerians have been asking, especially Christians, is whether religious doctrines should be insisted on, even in the face of death. Notable cleric, Pastor Femi Emmanuel of the Living Spring International while speaking on a radio programme reiterated that though God said He hates divorce, He approves neither violence against nor murder of one’s spouse.

The Chaplain and ICT Minister of Molete Baptist Church, Molete, Ibadan, ReverendOladayoOladosu disclosed that though, generally, divorce is frowned upon, teachings on divorce sometimes differ between denominations.

According to him, “many people believe that the Bible says no to divorce. In Christianity, the majority believes the same and that marriage is a life-long promise between partners without considering attending obligations.

“The Christian teachings on divorce differ between denominations. Generally, divorce is frowned upon, as marriage is considered a sacred institution and the couple has made promises before God to stay together for life. Then come these questions; does the Bible say it is okay to divorce? What about toxic relationships? Must Christian couples fake relationships in the face of life-threatening situations? Must anybody die like a fool and render innocent children orphans?

“Jesus said that divorce is allowed only if adultery has occurred. Whoever divorces a wife, except for sexual indecency, and remarries, commits adultery. However, divorce appears to be one of the contemporary responses to domestic violence. Christians who frown on divorce need to know that domestic violence is anti-gospel and anti-Christ because the model of family interaction as laid down by Christ for the family is self-sacrificial love.

Speaking from the Islamic perspective, a lecturer at the Department of English and Chief Imam of the University of Abuja, Professor TaofiqAzeez, told Sunday Tribune that divorce is not encouraged and Allah has placed very difficult conditions for divorce.

Speaking further, Prof Azeez said: “Divorce is something that Allah hates, so it is not encouraged. He wants us to respect and maintain the sacredness of marriage. But He allows it when it becomes inevitable. When the marriage becomes abusive or life-threatening.

“Because of human nature, we may want to pull out of marriage due to anger, spiritual missiles, external influence, peer pressure, psychological and social factors. So, Allah has put conditions that will make it almost impossible to divorce.

“First off, the husband can pronounce the divorce after the first menstruation, this is the first pronouncement. He will feed, accommodate and clothe his wife for one month. Throughout the month, he must not argue, fight, abuse or be intimate with her. Once the pronouncement is made, there must be no quarrel, the reason for the divorce must not be mentioned. All this will be adhered to until the second menstruation, if within the first month, the man changes his mind about the divorce, and becomes intimate with his wife, the pronouncement is nullified. If he changes his mind again, he has to start all over again. He will make another first pronouncement.

“If the husband is bent on divorce, after the first month, he will repeat the pronouncement, they will be together, there will be no quarrel, no fighting, and no intimacy. If within this period, the husband does not have a good reason to reconcile with his wife, and he makes the third pronouncement, that means he cannot marry his wife again. This makes it almost impossible to divorce.”

 

Psychologist speaks

From another perspective, there are claims that some victims cannot leave their toxic relationships due to the mental effect of abuse on them. As a result, Sunday Tribune spoke with a psychologist to find out the effect of domestic violence on victims.

A psychiatrist with the Synapse Psychological Centre, Abuja, Dr. Victory Benjamin, revealed that the mental effects of domestic violence are many. According to her, “there are lots of mental health issues that can arise from domestic violence. The physical and emotional pressure that comes with domestic violence impacts the mental health of the victims. There is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSDS), anxiety disorder, depression, and others. Sometimes, not leaving an abusive relationship might have something to do with the mental health of the victim.

“Individuals who grow up in an abusive environment might become an adult with very low self-esteem and this will affect their ability to speak up for themselves, affect the way they value themselves and also leads them to make wrong decisions by entering into bad relationships. The victim could be struggling with low self-esteem. This could prevent them from leaving the abusive relationship.”

 

What to do

Undoubtedly, society often stigmatizes victims of domestic violence, divorcees and single men and women of marriageable age. Therefore, to assist victims speak up about their predicament and leave abusive relationships, Reverend Oladosu advises separation as one of the steps to take.

He said: “firstly, the abused must be able to accept the fact that they are victims of abuse in whatever shade it may have come. Secondly, identify the cause of the abuse. Thirdly and most importantly, seek refuge or defense from the abuser. Separation for a while from each other could restore value(s) in the relationship. Fourthly, submit yourself for counseling and finally be ready to be rehabilitated.

“However, the choice to end an abusive relationship lies on the abused victim. The victim need not be pressured to make this decision but, the attention of mediatory persons can be drawn to events surrounding the welfare of the parties. I will admonish that every unresolvable domestic violence should be countered with separation before considering divorce.

“In a situation where either party is not contending for peace to reign or feeling safe in the marriage, divorce is no longer a choice, but an option to be considered. It is only the living that serves God. None of the parties is under the obligation to continue living as husband or wife in the presence of domestic violence. God hates divorce, but not the divorcee,” he concluded.

 

Finding a way out

Professor Azeez, speaking on initial steps that could salvage a marriage under the threat of divorce advised that couples should communicate more and try to reconcile, but where reconciliation is not possible, divorce is an option.

“When there is conflict (among Muslim couples), the first step to take is between the husband and wife. The husband must speak with the wife, communicate more and discuss what is not going right. The second step is to stop intimacy if there are no changes. This is a means of sending a signal to the wife that anything can happen. Then the Imam will now come in to intervene. If they want to be reconciled, Allah will reconcile them. But if it has got to a stage where they cannot continue, they will proceed to the sharia court for the divorce, which will take the process of three months as previously mentioned.”

He further explained that “we don’t just ask people to walk out on their marriage, we counsel and intervene because the institution of marriage is sacred. In situations where it is a case of domestic violence against the wife, she can make the pronouncement. But she has to return the dowry that her husband paid and she can leave.”

For Dr. Benjamin, the first step to leaving an abusive marriage is for the victims to understand that the abuse is not their fault, then prioritize their safety, reach out to people and finally, get professional help.