Societal views about infertility and impact on emotional wellbeing

AGNES: A 41-year-old brilliant and successful engineer, she graduated with a first-class degree, and holds a prestigious position in an oil and gas company. However, her mother, family and circle of friends including some colleagues at work have not allowed her to know any peace because she is unmarried.

Several attempts at match-making had been attempted, which she went along with, despite her initial reservations, in order not to appear stubborn and unreasonable.  However, she simply wanted a partner who could engage her intelligently, is not intimidated by her analytical mind or job, and would treat her with respect and dignity. She didn’t think she was asking for too much and was not ready to compromise on these basic principles.

However, she had come to the painful realization that some of the men who were introduced to her came with either a chip on their shoulder – akin to doing her a favour by offering her marriage; or they suffered some inferiority complex and wanted to be sure that she was willing to be a floor mat, so they can be sure that she is not arrogant because of her accomplishments.

Thus, she had not been able to see any of the arranged relationships blossom into marriage, which was the outcome that her mother and everyone else for that matter, simply wanted to see.

Bukola: She is a 35-year-old banker whose husband had died in a car accident three years earlier. Thus, she became a widow at the age of 32 years, with three children aged seven, five and two years old to fend for. She has had a few offers at remarriage to be a second or third wife but she is neither interested nor ready to start dating again. She still hurts emotionally and is just gradually recovering from the shock of her husband’s sudden and traumatic demise. He had bid her farewell that morning as he left for a business trip – never to return again.

She is comfortable enough to pay for the children’s education, but the worst humiliation she suffers is at the hands of her late husband’s family. They want her and the children to move out of their “brother’s house” and to take possession of his business and his two cars.

They reiterated that she didn’t have a male child for their late brother and so could not lay claim to his wealth and assets. However, she is having none of it and had asked their family lawyer to interface with them, when they started threatening her.

Chioma: As a 37-year-old lecturer at a College of Education, and mother of two children, she was a survivor of a miserable marriage where her husband consistently humiliated and verbally assailed her self-esteem on a daily basis. She became so worried that at some point, she questioned her own sanity and started second-guessing her own actions and inactions. She became depressed and needed to see a therapist. She tried her best to make allowances and bend over backwards, but where he was concerned, she was simply not good enough.

So, she eventually took the painful decision to get a divorce and protect her emotional wellbeing. And that’s when all hell broke loose, and everyone suddenly had an opinion. “A responsible woman endures and is patient:” “After all, he provides money”, “but you said he is not beating you”… she was lectured. She stood her ground after mediation efforts over the years had failed.

Hadiza: She has been married for five years now but is yet to achieve conception. She is now 30 years old and her life has become hell from her husband and his family, as well as from her own mother and family as well.

She often cried herself to sleep most nights, yet all the tests have been normal and there is no evidence that anything is wrong with her. She has stopped attending social gatherings too because of the mocking comments and snide remarks. What is she expected to do?

 

Discussion

It is not an accident that all the examples above are females, as they are more likely to be the recipients of stigmatizing behaviour when they are unmarried, divorced, widowed or having challenges with fertility. However, males also do suffer, but to a lesser degree.

Unfortunately, such insensitive and outright cruel comments/behaviours are more likely to push them into developing emotional problems such as depression and anxiety. Thus, they suffer a lot of misery and endure feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and hostility – for situations that were completely out of their control.

These unhelpful attitudes should stop and everyone should be allowed to enjoy optimal emotional wellbeing, and to live happy and fulfilling lives, regardless of their marital status, or whether or not they have children.

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