Nigerian widow’s first hand account of her journey from loss, pain, to healing

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In March 2016, I, Sokeye Esther Bukola, embarked on a journey of matrimony with Sokeye Oluwaseun Gabriel. Our love story was unfolding, and our future together seemed promising. However, in February 2019, my world was shattered as I lost my beloved husband, leaving me a widow with two young children. This moment became so dark for me and marked a profound turning point in my life, enveloping me in sorrow, numbness, shock, and fear.

Grief gripped me tightly, rendering me unable to shed tears, yet my heart was heavy with this significant loss. Feelings of guilt for being the one who remained among the living intertwined with anger and a sense of betrayal towards my departed spouse. I questioned why he had come into my life only to leave me so suddenly. I couldn’t help myself as the waves of intense, challenging emotions engulfed me.

Navigating the journey of widowhood is a difficult challenge regardless of location. However, I would love to share my unique experience as a widow in Nigeria. In a country like Nigeria where the masses swim in the ocean of economic hardship, the journey of widowhood takes on an added layer of difficulty. Talking about the pain of loss is so disheartening and makes me shed tears whenever I think about my condition and the current hardship in the country. Even if one’s marriage was not ideal, the sense of loss and vacuum remains. Losing a spouse is uniquely a devastating experience that no one would understand the depth of your pain. Society often watches closely to judge how one grieves. Society often expects one to grieve for a very long time and neglects the negative impact of isolation on mental health. Failure to conform to these societal expectations usually leads to harsh judgments.

However, I discovered personal coping skills, which helped me to cope with my loss and move forward. I had to learn to manage my grief on my own, disregarding societal norms and expectations. My widowhood experience is characterized by profound emptiness, trauma and emotional and financial stress. All these became my regular companions. I feel so sad whenever I think about parenting as a shared responsibility between husband and wife, but I’m here shouldering these herculean responsibilities. Feelings of anger and jealousy surface, especially when I see happy couples. I wish my husband was there to wipe my tears and give me that emotional support when my spirit is down, I wish our companionship is forever, but the sudden hand of death snatched my loving husband. I felt drained of energy and isolated myself from the public, particularly from the opposite sex. As time passed, I yearned for these feelings to diminish, and I longed to regain the ability to connect with people regardless of their gender.

To aid my healing, I considered joining support groups where I could connect with other widows who understood my story and circumstances. I became a member of the Patrick Stephen Purple Heart Foundation for widows, led by Oluwaseun Joan Stephen, and also joined the Christian Widows & Widowers Empowered (CWWE), headed by Beatrice Yusufu. Listening to other people’s experiences and reading books such as “A Widow’s Journey; Reflection on Working Alone” by Gayle Roper and “My Journey to Victory; A Memoir Overcoming Grief and Life’s Challenges” by Onyeje Ijaola instilled resilience in me. In addition, I attended conferences and engaged in community activities with these groups. We embarked on outreach programs to encourage and support widows, raising funds for widows to feed and their children’s school fees.

To be self-sufficient in this condition, I sought guidance from online widowed financial advisors and coaches as I grappled with the responsibility of providing for my two kids while meeting daily needs. Platforms like Widows-wallet on Instagram offered valuable insights and advice. I familiarized myself with various social media platforms, such as TikTok and Facebook to maintain my emotional well-being. This allowed me to engage in creative activities like taking pictures, celebrating my small wins, and sharing moments of joy with others. Self-care became a vital component of my healing journey, encompassing physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

The crucial role spiritual solace played in my healing process cannot be overemphasized. Spending time with God, participating in religious activities, and building a support network were other strategies that helped me cope.

Widowhood is a transformative and challenging experience. It is an emotional travail that many people do not understand. Widows need support and intervention from individuals, groups and government.

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