You may be on the road to divorce, if …

I feel so bad each time a marriage crashes. To me, the question is how we got to the point where divorce has now become the order of the day. This is even more worrisome for me when marriages that have lasted for decades suddenly come crashing down. That is why I have become committed to discovering the why to divorce, and the probable solution to it. From my observations, it is obvious that divorce is not and will never be a day’s journey. Rather, it is the aftermath of series of things that were taken for granted in the marriage by couples. Some of such are as follows.

 

Making assumptions about your spouse’s actions 

I have come to discover that rather than finding out why our spouses do what they do at times, we assume that we know the reasons and therefore take decisions based on our assumptions. To me it is purely being judgmental. Assumptions are the enemy of healthy communication, so said a writer. We assume he is late for dinner deliberately in order to get back at me or she is deliberately avoiding sex due to my inability to meet her financial request.

Also Read: Here’s how you can get the spark back in your marriage

Living independently of each other instead working together as a team.

Marriage is never about “his” and “hers.” Rather, it is about “US.” ‘’When we start handling our responsibilities, goals, dreams, money, time and struggles individually, instead of collectively, then the road to divorce becomes widened.

 

Trying to change each other instead of trying to understand each other.

One way couples relate to each other is to try and make a spouse conform to our expectation or be who we want him/her to be. The truth is that you cannot change your spouse’s personality. So, as much as possible we must learn to accept each other the way we are, rather than dissipating effort on changing our spouse. This brings a lot of friction, and suggests controlling or dominating tendencies.

 

Antagonizing, instead of promoting your spouse

Some of us can be impossible at criticizing our spouse over every mistake or perceived error of judgment. When we criticize ourselves over virtually almost every wrong move or mistake, we are creating a platform for divorce. Like a friend used to do to her husband: spoke against mode of dressing, eating, sleeping among others. Look for the good; not the bad. Be your spouse’s biggest encourager. Not their biggest critic.

 

Fantasizing about a better alternative to one’s spouse

This is a major road leading to divorce. False fantasy causes more divorces than perhaps any other factor. It seduces one into leaving the marriage in pursuit of a mirage that doesn’t actually exist. Our marital commitment ought to make us stick together. Keep going on the difficult days. Pray. Lean on each other. Surround yourselves with friends who will encourage you and support you in the journey of rebuilding your marriage. Fix your challenges together rather than building castles in the air. Marriage must be forever.

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How to deal with relationship problems and come out stronger

IT is a myth that if you are with the right partner you will never have conflict, or not experience problems in a relationship. In reality relationships will have rocky times and even times of doubt about whether you should be in your relationship at all. Couples, when they enter into a relationship, don’t fuse into one person, each becoming the “better half” of the other. They remain individuals who merge lives. This comes with its own problems and pains because it’s not always an easy thing to do: share your life with another day in and day out. All couples will face some (or at least one) major issues. They won’t all look the same but couples who sail through troubled waters do so with good communication and a sense of partnership. Here’s how to deal with the major dramas that may head your way.

 

A major conflict that has one of you thinking about leaving

It’s not uncommon to have a huge conflict in which you question your relationship. When a couple experiences a deep conflict, one or both partners may question for the first time whether they can weather the storm, whether they are in the right relationship, and if their values align enough to move forward happily and healthily.

First, know it’s normal to be a little scared about big conflict, but the best way through it is to talk it out, rather than hide from it. Nothing good comes from running from problems so better to face your feelings and fears head on. As a result you’ll learn terrific, solid, reassuring conflict resolution skills and be able to face smaller problems in the future with ease – and without questioning your future together.

Also Read: Top 10 reasons for divorce

No time for each other

Most couples will face the issue of lack of time prioritising one another at some point. It may be due to childrearing and the time away from you both that raising kids can take, or it may be workload, work shifts, travel or other personal and family issues. The best thing you can do to secure a solid foundation in your life together is to make one another your main priority and balance their needs, and they balance your needs, at all times with anything else going on in life. Without this approach, couples inevitably find themselves growing apart over time.

 

Money problems

Finances are one of the main subjects couples fight about and it also directly affects how people view happiness, stress, and quality of life. How you each approach saving and spending money will directly impact how you live your life together in your relationship. Be on the same page with your financial goals and your values about how best to spend and save money from the outset of your relationship to avoid the pit many couples fall into, clashing time and time again over money spent.

 

Family issues

Extended family or blended family issues are another top problem many couples will face. Whether a couple has children from a previous relationship to blend into their current relationship, or highly involved and/or dysfunctional in-laws, family issues come with the territory of relating with one another and sharing life together. You don’t just commit to your partner, you accept them and all their loved ones along with the package. That doesn’t mean you need to accept everything about them without negotiation. It is fair to say your partner is your first and foremost allegiance.

 

Lack of intimacy

Once someone starts to feel their relationship is no longer intimate, a great deal of the joy leaves it. People enter into a romantic relationship for many reasons: love, passion, sex, companionship, to start a family, and more. But without that sense of sharing, with at least some of the rapport, chemistry and intimate alone time, spent sensually, emotionally and intellectually, couples will disintegrate into a joyless state in which life together feels like a chore rather than something special to cherish. So recognise how important sex and sensuality is in your relationship. Sometimes when all else fails, sex is the glue that keeps you feeling like a committed couple. Don’t neglect touch in your relationship. Ask for it, initiate it, always maintain the kisses, hand holding, snuggles and yes the sex.

Culled from www.mybody and soul.com