Intimate partner violence: Making sense of the nonsense

LAST week, we illustrated how abusive relationships may start on a loving note and then rapidly turn ugly with possessive traits culminating in controlling behaviour and the use of violence as a means of exerting influence. We also highlighted the very common nature of this problem with estimates indicating that one out of every three women had experienced an abusive relationship at some point; and a woman is assaulted or beaten every  nine seconds.

Lastly, we stated that men can also be on the receiving end of abusive relationships – even though the vast majority usually have males as perpetrators. Our culture of shaming and blaming the victims as well as the subtle societal tolerance for these actions have unfortunately resulted in the ultimate tragedy – death, in some instances. But why do people behave this way? And why is it so difficult to break off such relationships or marriages – before things degenerate into murder or grievous bodily harm?

How I missed flying in Pius Adesanmi’s ill-fated plane ― Prof Dasylva

How can we make sense of this nonsense? We will attempt to proffer some explanations.

It is helpful to bear in mind, that as human beings, we are the product of inherited genes from our parents; as well as the sum of our experiences growing up – home environment, school environment, religious influence, type of friends or neighbourhood we grew up in – they all play a role in shaping our personality and thinking.

In the process of our growing up years and our socialising development, we all end up having our positives (strengths) and our negatives (flaws). There is no perfect human being. But the wise man or woman is the one who is aware of his/her flaws and makes a conscious attempt to correct or compensate for them.

Why would anyone perpetrate violence against someone they claim to love?

Some risk factors increase the chances of individuals becoming perpetrators of intimate partner violence (IPV). These include:

• Growing up in a home where such practices were the norm, or violence was routinely used to settle quarrels. Such a child grows up with the mindset that it is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
• Poor upbringing: Growing up in homes where they are indulged and pampered and taught that the male child is superior and more valuable than females. And where gender roles perpetuate the impression that household work is beneath a man.
• Low self-esteem: Some individuals suffer from low self-esteem and their dislike for anyone challenging their opinion/views stems from their fragile egos. They may also attempt to use controlling behaviour and exert power over someone else as a way of making themselves feel good.
• Lack of good communication skills: People who are unable to clearly express themselves or their wishes using verbal communication may turn to violence as a means of shutting up a rival (or the spouse) when there is a disagreement. This is possibly why some people offer the lame excuse of a wife’s oratorical superiority as the basis for their resorting to violence.
• Low frustration thresh-hold: Individuals who become frustrated easily, and are unable to handle difficult situations will resort to violence.
• Anger management problems: Persons who do not understand their anger and/or how to handle situations when they become angry may instinctively lash out with violence when they are angry. They then become remorseful afterwards. This is a lack of self-discipline.
• Thinking errors: Some people have thinking (cognitive) errors where they misunderstand and mis-read other people’s intentions and actions (or inactions). More often than not, the mis-interpretation is in a negative manner and results in punitive actions or retaliation for real or perceived offences.
• Use of alcohol and other drugs: Persons who drink alcohol and take drugs are more likely to misbehave when under the influence of these drugs.

Why do people remain in abusive relationships?

There are many reasons working together to increase the difficulty of walking away from such abusive relationships:

• It is extremely difficult to break off long-standing emotional ties and relationships. It requires courage and social support/encouragement from family and friends.
• Societal shame and culture of discrimination against divorcees, and viewing them as ‘failures’.
• The religious and cultural encouragement to ‘forgive’ and ‘endure’ or ‘pray for victory’ when things deteriorate.
• Poor understanding and acceptance of the place of psychological therapy in helping people with anger management issues and IPV – provided the individual is willing to receive support and work towards overcoming them. Recall that we are all, in one way or the other, ‘damaged goods’? But at the same time, we all have immense potential for so much good, if motivated and harnessed appropriately.

Next week, we will explore the mental health consequences and what we can and should be doing to stop it, and help affected persons.