Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): Comments from readers

The past few weeks have featured a series of articles about IPV, the prevalence, risk factors, and mental health consequences. I have received feedback and several comments, some of which I think are deserving of a response to clarify the situation.

Comment from Mrs AG:“Thank you for your interesting article. However, you recommend that if the union is not working or one partner is not committed to change, then they should separate. This is erroneous and is not Biblical. With faith in God, and plenty of patience, things can turn around. Even the worst husband or wife beater can change and become a better man.

“So, I think you should also understand that faith and prayers can move mountains. Please, look for a movie titled ‘War Room’ and watch it for better understanding. Thank you and keep up the good work.”

Other comments from readers had various slants on essentially the same theme: For example, a Muslim angle was that ‘males are placed a shade higher than women’ and so it is the position of woman to be submissive so that there is peace in the home. And that Islam permits ‘light beating’ of women. I will attempt to address these issues briefly.

Response: Dear Mrs AG, thank you very much for making out time to read the articles and for going a step further to share your thoughts and provide feedback. With respect to the issue you raised, which is the role of prayer, faith and patience in the setting of IPV, I will reproduce my recommendation from last week’s article to religious leaders, before going ahead to address the point in greater detail.

“Religious leaders have a role to play, to identify when to counsel patience and when to draw the line. While not encouraging marriages to break down, if it is clear that one partner is not committed and the life and safety of the other partner is at risk, then please do not hesitate to encourage a separation. Otherwise, you may be called to officiate at the funeral.”

The ideal is for marriages to work and be successful, and I am a strong advocate for this. My advice was to encourage a separation where one partner is not committed to the union, and where the LIFE and SAFETY of the spouse is at risk. I will not advocate patience if my sister’s life is in danger; or my daughter’s. There is a place and time for everything. But the first efforts should be towards peaceful mediation and reconciliation.

Secondly, I have watched ‘War Room’ as recommended. It is a movie about a young couple who were drifting apart, with a husband who was on the brink of having an affair. The wife was taught to convert a closet into a prayer room, to pray for her marriage and her family (War Room). Miraculously afterwards, things changed for the better, and the husband repented and became a good man and the family lived happily ever after.

But what if despite the wife’s prayers, he had continued in his bad ways? Should she put up with everything he does, as a ‘good wife’ that is submissive and faithful to God? I know this approach is popular among us as a religious people (Muslims and Christians alike).

But the flip side of the coin, is that if the situation does not change miraculously as it did in the War Room movie, then the tendency will be to BLAME the victim: ‘Maybe you did not pray hard enough’. ‘Or your faith was not strong enough to allow you claim your miracle’.

Thirdly, to be very clear, the question to be considered is: In the context of an abusive relationship, when should enough be enough?

And to address the Muslim comments too: If men are placed higher for example, does that equate to maltreating women? Did the Prophet of Islam ever raise his hand against any of his wives to ‘beat them lightly’? Why do we clutch at straws and not seek to emulate the best of everything we do?

I like the military tradition where the wife is assumed to be a rank higher than the husband. So, if you disagree with your superior officer in the military, will you slap the superior officer? Or beat the officer? In the same vein, let us treat our women with respect and dignity. There should be no excuse whatsoever, for IPV. Let’s not hide under the guise of religion and I hope our religious leaders will help to preach against this menace.

Post-script: In Ibadan alone, there have been at least three high profile public cases of spousal homicide recently. This is real and we all should be genuinely concerned. Separation is better than homicide.