RENOWNED marriage counsellor and founder, Baynakum Family Counselling Centre, Abuja, Dr AbdulFattah Adeyemi, has warned against disobedience and insubordination among couples, saying they are two of the major causes of increase in the rate of divorce in contemporary times.
Dr Adeyemi spoke at the quarterly da’wah workshop of the Lekki Muslim Ummah (LEMU) last weekend at the Vice Admiral Jubrila Ayinla Multipurpose Hall of the Lekki Central Mosque, Lagos.
The workshop, with the theme ‘The Muslim Home and Contemporary Challenges’, paraded an array of educationists, religious leaders and marriage counsellors who spoke on a variety of topics.
Dr Adeyemi described marital discord, which means nushuuz in Arabic, as insubordination from the wife to her husband and vice versa.
Other causes of marital discord identified by Dr Adeyemi in his lecture titled ‘Growing Marital Discord among Muslims: Causes and Solutions’ include irreconcilable goals and different directions in life, lack of shared interests, conflict, irretrievable breakdown in relationship, infidelity and lack of intimacy.
The counselor cited verses of the Qur’an to explain some of his points.
He called on women to be merciful to their husbands and manage whatever is available to them, saying men should also reciprocate by not taking their wives for granted, irrespective of what they might be going through.
Advent of technology makes parenting harder —Don
A journalism lecturer at the Lagos State University (LASU), Dr Ganiyat Adenle-Tijani, said parental challenges were the same across generations. She, however, noted that the advent of technology, social media and political correctness was making parenting harder in the 21st Century.
Adenle-Tijani, who spoke on ‘Challenges of Parenting in the 21st Century, noted that the apps that kids are exposed to today were not there before; adding that, “the online platforms are new to us. Now, somebody far away can access your daughter, arrange meeting with her and then violate her without your knowledge.
“Apart from that, the present political correctness of everybody trying to rationalise all these behaviours as human rights makes it difficult. I think at the end of the day, as Muslim parents, we just need to understand that there will continue to be emerging challenges. The responsibility on us is to pay attention and to actually adjust our training models to be able to cater for these challenges,” she noted.
On tackling peer problem, the lecturer called on parents to make time and ensure that their kids relate with children that share the same ideology as them.
The Chief Imam of Lekki Central Mosque, Imam Ridwanullah Jamiu, said being successful in marriage “is something every couple desires but not everyone will achieve this.”
Imam Jamiu, however, noted that those who follow the guidance of the Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad in their marital lives would attain “that success” in this life and hereafter.
Giving tips on successful marriage, the cleric implored couples to make dua’ for a happy home a personal principle, adding that the focus of the husband should be on the wife and vice versa.
“The husband should do everything to ensure that his wife finds the good of this world — happiness, prosperity. The wife too should ensure that she does everything possible to make her husband happy in this world. The husband should strive to ensure that his wife gets the good of the hereafter — Aljannah — and the wife should do the same thing. And both of them keep away from what will lead them to hellfire,” he emphasised.
Speaking on habits husbands and wives should cultivate, he said, “First, both should fulfill each other’s needs. They should be dutiful and responsible for the sake of Allah. The second one is that they should communicate well. Communication is very important in marriage; we don’t keep malice. When we communicate, we should always be polite even if we have misunderstanding.
“Another thing is that we have to be honest and faithful. We should not be indulging in adultery or fornication whether we are married or not, but especially when we are married. We should not cheat on our spouses. Infidelity has destroyed so many homes.
“We also need to be tolerant of each other because we all have weaknesses. If we focus on the negative aspects of each other, we will not see the positives and it may lead to divorce. We should also learn to appreciate each other. Anyone who does something that makes you happy, appreciate it. It’s very important in marriage.
“We should ensure we make dua’ for each other. Whenever we are having challenges, the first way to go is to report it to Allah before involving outsiders in it. Some are so quick to involve others in their marital issues instead of involving Allah first for guidance,” he added.
Sheikh Ridwan Jamiu admonished ladies that if they want to have successful marriages, they should be prepared for polygyny, as he called on mothers not to delay getting their daughters married as mathna (second wives) once they have found responsible men for them.
Speaking on the justification for the call, he said: Everyone wants happiness and nobody knows where happiness is tied to. Many people are into monogamy, yet they are not happy while some are married to many wives and they have a happy home. So, nobody can say this is where happiness lies. The most important thing is that where you find a righteous man who comes to you, even though the person has a wife already, as long as he’s competent, capable, righteous, marry him. What is important is to find joy in marriage and to find a man who will lead you to Allah and Jannah.”
“The same thing if a man comes to us, asking for our hands to marry our daughter. We should not say that the man is already married and discourage our daughter from him. You don’t know what Allah has written down for your daughter. Maybe that is where she will find happiness. The Prophet (SAW) has told us that by end times, we are going to have so many women than men. So, when we have more women than men, what do we do with other women who will not find husbands to marry them? When we have men that are capable, righteous and have had successes in their first marriages, we should not discourage them from marrying our wards.”
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