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Enjoying great marriage through emotional intelligence

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2 years ago

I wrote on marital sex from the angle of emotional intelligence last week as a solution point for sex issues in marriage. Before then, it had been on my mind to introduce emotional intelligence as a critical factor of engagement for enjoying great marriage. Since I became exposed to the subject of emotional intelligence, I have come to believe that it’s a necessity for conflict resolutions in marriage. If couples embrace emotional intelligence, I strongly believe that the rate of divorce will be on the decrease, and steeply too. Therefore, I am using this write up to let us reason together about what emotional intelligence is, in terms of definition, traits, types or branches, benefits and ways of improving its levels.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Let me start this by saying that emotional intelligence is not a talent thing you are naturally endowed with. (Something one can describe as if you have it, you have it, and if you don’t have it, you don’t have it). Rather, it is better understood as a skill that can be learnt, and that’s better learnt at a very early stage or age in life. In my research about emotional intelligence, I discovered that it’s a course or knowledge that is taught at the higher educational level by institutions i.e. second degree level. However, I strongly believe it should be taught from childhood level, using the right strategies. This is because it’s the heart beat of all relationships, including and especially marriage. Therefore, understanding emotional intelligence will make enjoying great marriage an easy task for couples. Through it, marriage will move from the level of endurance to that of enjoyment. Nobody wants to do away with what he or she is enjoying. It’s one of the high point in breaking habits.

For the sake of emphasis, as defined last week, Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. That is, the ability to perceive, interpret, demonstrate, control, evaluate, and use emotions to communicate with and relate to others effectively and constructively. This means you have mastery in managing the emotions of anger, excitement, sadness, joy, etc both in your life and in others. For instance, as an emotionally intelligent person, you are sensitive to the mood of others, and are open to the possibilities of what else could be going on with them, beyond what are visible on the surface. You know that what we manifest as individuals have underlining factors. For instance, you know that anger could be masking an emotion or sadness – unrealised desire (s). This helps one to function better in relationships, especially marriage, which is the most unique (you cannot easily do away with it unlike others. The consequences could be grave and have always been grave from life realities)

Emotional Intelligence has levels of high, low or poor. In essence, a married spouse can be poor, low, or high on this scale.

Traits of Emotional Intelligence

Lack of emotional intelligence revolves around the following:

Outright dismissal of emotions, point of views or opinions of others, in decision making. What others feel, especially your spouse, do not matter. You don’t just give a damn or you careless about his or her opinion. You can’t do that in marriage and get away with it for life. A breaking point will erupt sometime, somehow. That’s why you see a marriage of 30, 40, or 50 years collapsing like a pack of cards.
Lack of empathy for the feelings or emotions of others. It takes the feelings of others, especially your spouse, as an attention seeking act or display, or even a “melodrama”. This is one reason many marriages end up in bad shape, making your spouse to “disappear” or “bolt away”. It endangers a marriage
Lack of recognition and consideration for the point of views of others, especially your spouse. It blinds you to the fact that others should have their say, and at times, their way, too, in any discussion. I believe it’s one of the reasons for a Yoruba saying, “You don’t kill a dog because of barking” (A ki ti tori gbigbo pa aja). Its lack of emotional intelligence that makes one feel others should not have a say or have a considered opinion on matters or issues under discussion.

High Emotional Intelligence

Have open and respectful conversation with others. Find a middle of the road point of agreement on issues. It embraces the saying that “life is a give and take thing”. You learn to bend backwards. You win some, and lose some.
Don’t make others appear foolish or insane in their suggestions and contributions to issues under discussion. We don’t see issues the same way most of the time. Allowance is made for all shades of opinion without pulling down anyone, or attacking his or her personality, like my son will say.

Low Emotional Intelligence

Regular emotional outbursts, which are usually out of proportion to issues. It’s better likened to “killing a fly with a sledge hammer”. It’s a thunderbolt approach to dealing with people in one’s circle of relationships. Like a husband deserting the home because of a perceived insult from his wife or vice versa. What a manifest of a low emotional intelligence.
Magnifying your feelings above that of others, or your spouse. It’s your feelings of anger, sadness etc that must determine the direction of the decision. It’s your needs that should be considered first in the family budget, come what may. Difficulty in accommodating the feelings of others or your spouse in the scheme of things.

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