Don’t blame that relative or friend or family that refuses to help

I remember my dad as larger than life. More so now that his works speak from death. Now physically, he was not a big man. He was of average height and sparely built with a full head of grey hair. But he was a man of great intelligence, brilliant, principled and full of wit, humour.

Now, in my law practice, his memories continue  to live as many people will often ask after a court session if I am in anyway related to him, he was either a teacher, (their prof), a friend, a mentor to them and they will always comment on his simple attitude to life. And his method of teaching.

A judge   once told me that I should work hard so I could fill his shoes. But I don’t aspire to fill his shoes, I cannot. I can only wear mine and hopefully run a good race. He has run his and has ran it excellently.

Memories of my childhood are many but one that stayed close was that we always had visitors, many of them.

As dad was then the chairman of the University’s Conference Centre and Guest Houses, we were gifted with complementary drinks etc. And as a law professor and a dean, our home was a mecca for people seeking admissions for their children, for other colleagues coming in for visits or deliberations, for family, friends and relatives ever constantly visiting and so on until the downward spiral of his illness and finally, death.

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Now his death brought a serious paradigm shift and I must confess one that greatly affected my self-esteem for years, for to me, something was fundamentally missing. And yes it is.

But in my young mind then I did not yet realize that the carnival was over. After the mandatory condolence visit, everything was quiet. We learned to begin to re-evaluate and re-adjust.

But I was angry. And I would always think how unfair it was that these people did not come to assist us. They ought to. We had some wealthy relatives who were always visiting but they had disappeared, it was so unfair! So one day mom sat us down and told us to spread out our hands.

We did. She asked us what we saw, we said nothing. She said we should look again, I said I saw lines. She nodded, spread hers too, palms up and told us that if we looked closely, we will see our future.

“Our future?”“Yes. Your future. You will understand soon. You must learn to work hard and pray so that you can have a good future. Nobody owes you. Nobody. Except me. Because I am your parent.

Anything that anybody does for you be grateful and when someone refuses to help you, don’t take it personal. Nobody owes you.”

I was confused but what I didn’t realize then was that my mother had neatly reshaped our thoughts from a damaging entitlement mentality.

It has greatly shaped our lives not wait for anybody. I have met people who have said I am too independent but I think it suits me to.

That lesson stayed with me when I grew older and had to navigate some murky waters in my journey. It sustained me and helped me not to stay bitter but to become even better. And better.

Why did I share this personal experience?  You see Nobody. Owes. You.

If you are still seated somewhere expecting manna to fall, you are not in the wilderness, God may raise a helper or two to give you some respite but as soon as the crisis is over, you have to put your hands to the plough and work.

You sit there and begin to blame your siblings, some even say “my siblings have taken over my destiny” when in fact you know you are lazier than a sloth and would do nothing to improve yourself.

When your mates and siblings were struggling, you were walking the streets hanging with people of questionable character, running from your master or from school  and refusing to improve yourself in any way or following that man who had no plan for you and now you are left in a lurch and you want to blame your siblings or parents? You need to reset your brain. Seriously.

Life is all about choices and we all reap the consequences of our choices. The good, not so good or the outrightly bad.

Your relative is rich. Maybe your dad or mum was even his or her greatest support but upon the demise of your parents or when things went down, the person refuses to see you and gives excuses.

Stop the blaming and tie your laces. It is true that Yoruba have an adage that says “Bi a o ba ri eni ba’la ola kii ya: meaning, “the journey towards wealth or success often drags if there is no one to assist us in easily reaching our goals” but it’s no reason to despair.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always providence. There is always the God factor.

When people decide to help you, accept whatever token they give. It is wrong to say “Upon how gorgeous she or he is dressed, he can only spare five hundred naira.”

That is unfair. You didn’t assist the person to make his money.

In my society I have seen that beggars often have choices. I mean that even literally. I am coming to that.

Don’t blame that relative or friend or family that refuses to help. It’s their choice. You don’t even know the secret battles they are fighting. Focus on your journey and seek the Divine.

There is always help around the corner.

Where there is a will, there is a way.