Dealing with unforgiveness

WHEN we ponder the current reality of Nigeria, we are forced to question our sense of community and our humanity. This reality leaves us nursing feelings of guilt and shame as Nigerians. The security outlook of our collective environment projects a narrative of terrorism, militancy, criminality, violence against women, children and people of other ethnic identity; political and cultural divide, destruction of property, increasing rate of dishonest behavior, aggression and cruelty, intolerance and brutality towards others. These point to the existence of deep wounds and unforgiveness borne by many. These outcomes signal the systematic degeneration of the fabric of Nigeria’s humanity. Notwithstanding, the majority of Nigerians are humble, warm, nonviolent and desire a healthy. They have a democracy where debates do not degenerate into verbal attacks and violence, but instead remain objective and healthy; where people can trust each other and live without having to constantly look over their shoulders.

Unforgiveness is a serious malady that threatens humanity. Unforgiveness is cancerous and eats away at the vitals of a society and could ultimately choke key development projects if perceived injustice(s) are not appropriately addressed.  It is obvious that Nigerians have carried wounds of unforgiveness from the first Nigerian coup of 1966 to the civil war; inter-ethnic/inter religious violent conflicts, political exclusion, increasing levels of corruption, lack of accountability, and much more. These wounds are likely to have catalysed the spiral of insecurity and violent conflict in Nigeria. Forgiveness is a juxtaposition or superposition of a strong positive emotion over the cold emotions of unforgiveness in such a way that unforgiveness is contaminated and overwhelmed by more positive emotions. Alternatively, forgiveness is the emotional replacement of hot anger and fear by positive emotions.   These positive emotions could be empathy for the perpetrator, compassion, or love.

Other positive emotions such as humility are invited by one’s own experience of forgiveness, which may dilute the cold emotions of unforgiveness or replace the hot emotions of anger and fear. Committing mistakes is natural and human, but forgiving is divine. Such a phrase mirrors the celebration of forgiveness as a virtue by major religions. Scholars in behavioural science have identified the personal and interpersonal benefits of forgiveness and the cognitive, emotional, and social dimensions of forgiveness. Unforgiveness may be preceded by the occurrence of a transgression, which brings about a mixture of hurt and offence. If the transgression is perceived as hurt, the victim may respond with the emotion of fear. However, if the transgression is perceived as an offence, the victim may respond with a hot emotion of anger. Unforgiveness occurs when people ruminate over the transgression, their reaction to it, the transgressors’ motives, the consequences, and potential responses. Rumination can produce the cold emotions of resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, residual anger, and residual fear; which then morph into unforgiveness.  Most people adopt a variety of responses in the face of interpersonal transgressions such as active or passive retaliation; holding grudges and/or denying the seriousness of the offence.

It is likely that the victim’s responses to the transgressor are habitual tendencies. The negative reaction to a transgressor and reluctance to forgive are perhaps learned as part of one’s survival instinct or the need to exercise power over others. However, it has been proven that this ‘habitual barrier’ can be overcome by the human propensity to exhibit compassion. The seven types of forgiveness as proposed by Walrond-Skinner are:  Premature instantaneous forgiveness, an unauthentic form of forgiveness indicated by denying or forgetting the transgression; Arrested forgiveness, where forgiveness is denied between the victim and transgressor; conditional forgiveness, the acceptance of forgiveness under some conditions like apology, acceptance, and change in unacceptable behaviour; pseudo or mutual forgiveness, the process in which immature forgiveness is given or accepted in the necessity to restore the pre-conflict relation; collusive forgiveness, the process of avoiding conflict or opposition even when there is an unsolved severe injustice; repetitious forgiveness, the successive but incomplete attempts to stop relational transgression; and authentic process forgiveness: the unconditional, self-regarding, altruistic, pro-social motive to avoid revenge for the good of self and the offender.

Reducing unforgiveness

There are several methods of reducing unforgiveness. We shall consider three for the purpose of this article. The first main way to reduce unforgiveness is the establishment of a sense of justice, especially when the scales of justice have been tilted  by an injustice (e.g., a crime, a wrong, or transgression). Justice may be restored by means of either punitive or restorative methods.  Second; the achievement of civil or legal justice involves a presumably neutral third party who oversees restitution or metes out punitive measures. Through due process, people submit their case to a socially approved judge. The judge then decides on a fair judgment, which supposedly rebalances the scales of justice. Third; individuals might make personal restitution in an attempt to rebalance the scale of justice. An offender might offer to engage in a costly act (such as working to restore a victim’s loss) or remunerate an injured party with money or material goods. Such equitable measures will, to a degree, reduce unforgiveness in the person transgressed against.

Retaliation or revenge is perhaps the most primitive means of attempting to rebalance the scale of justice; “Retaliation is a quick hot response while revenge is retaliation served cold”. In both scenarios, a person inflicts harm on harm. The danger of retaliation is that the recipient of retaliation or revenge seldom feels that the scales are balanced, which leads to further exchanges of retaliation and revenge.   Nelson Mandela isn’t exactly the greatest orator in the world. And yet the world admires him even after he’s gone.

Why? The world admires him because the world says, “This is what we think we ought to be; to be those who embody forgiveness, reconciliation and goodness.”  We are made for goodness. We are made for love. We are made for friendliness.

We are made for togetherness. We are made for all the beautiful things that you and I know.  There are no outsiders in Nigeria. The past be changed, but our present and future are set in place by our choices. Forgiveness is not about being nice or fair; it is not letting the past control our present and future.

We can welcome all: Rich, Poor, Muslim, Christian, and Traditional Religion; Educated, Uneducated; Male and Female. I believe forgiveness is the only way forward for Nigeria, for Africa and the entire world.

• Bolaji is Executive Director, Peace Building Development Consult.