Cold politics inside Celebrity House

Cheating didn’t start today. Did our elders not say it is the footprints of the fool that is taken to prepare charms? And that the palm oil of the stupid is what is tasted by all as market sample. In this democracy, the tortoise and the snake it taunts are meat for the god of the fraudulent. Our politics is a fraud junkie. The voter insists on prepaid voting and the candidate pays and vows to recoup his money after victory. Everyone loathes and fights corruption. Everyone also designs a scheme to con the other person.

‘They have increased the toll fees’ was this cab driver’s reason for insisting on N4,000 fare from Lekki to Oworonsoki where my driver had to wait for me. Fees go up as incomes of the poor contract. It is the economics of this democracy. I pitied the poor cab driver and agreed to pay, then a horrible hold-up started eating my time; my cab driver was more interested in his fuel that was drying up in the traffic jam. His eyes kept oscillating between the fuel gauge and the chaos at the front. What really is the problem? No one seemed to have an idea as vehicles massed in a show of bedlam. Curses of frustration and desperate horn honking competed for space in the suffocating humid air.

My cab driver was the loudest in cursing the government and all big men. They always take advantage of the poor, he shouted. It didn’t start today with this toll fees increase and won’t end with this. “God will fight for us,” he declared. I laughed and wondered whether God was in the manifestoes of the APC and the PDP. The standstill remained inexplicably prolonged. Someone said it was the tollgate that created the standstill. Whatever it was, I was in that open-air detention for almost ninety minutes. Then Providence smiled on us. We managed to snake to the Lekki – Ikoyi bridge. It was Lagos.

“Oga, the toll fee is N400,” my cab driver informed me. I flashed him a red eye. “Pay now. What is my problem with that? Am I not paying the agreed fare when we reach Oworo?” The man who increased his fare because of the hike in the toll fees put his feet down: I must pay the toll fee. He said we had no agreement that the toll fee would be part of the fare. He knew he just lied and kept a straight face. I looked at him and laughed. A second look, I felt cold pity for him. I gave him a N500 note. He paid, then attempted to pocket the N100 change. “Bring my change?”I ordered him, hand outstretched. He grumbled and gave me my money. I looked at him again and shook my head. To think that this man had just rained curses on people he described as his oppressors!

That is the tragedy of the Nigerian nation. Everyone cheats anyone he thinks he can. No scruples anywhere you turn. It is worse among sufferers of state and elite oppression. It is not funny at all. Why are we like this? Can we continue like this? Nothing works and no one takes responsibility for anything. Everyone is a saint. The leader and the led are both guilty of ruining the nation. That precisely was the take off-point of an animated discussion I just had with a cream of the very best in the Nigerian entertainment industry.  It was at the Celebrity Housemates, a reality show currently running at a location in Ajah, Epe road in Lagos. “It is a platform to showcase and export the positive values of Nigeria,” said Kemi Otegbade who created the show.

The roll call of celebrities we met there as housemates last Thursday was impressive: Yomi Fash-Lanso, Eniola Badmus, Chelsea Eze, Ruggedman, Doris Simon, Junior Pope and Freddie Leonard. The host of the House, veteran actor Bassey Inyang Ekpeyong (Keppy) was at his lively best. I was invited as a speaker. With me was the president of the Nigerian Guild of Editors, Funke Egbemode. Before our day there, the housemates had had a number of big names, one of them Ovation publisher, Dele Momodu. What we had was an engaging two-hour discourse with these vibrant ladies and gentlemen of showbiz on the way forward for Nigeria.

Nigeria is not working. How can we make it work? Can it work with leaders who don’t work? Can there be great leaders when you and I refuse to be part of the electoral process? Who among you is not a registered voter? We asked them. They are all registered except Junior Pope who is not interested. Why? “What difference will my vote make when the results have been decided ahead of voting by the kingmakers?” He said, and almost all of his colleagues concurred. Okay. Those of you with voters cards, do you have party membership cards? No. Why? They chorused, wondering why we would recommend a life of political engagements for them. But you are all wrong, we told them. “The next president will be chosen this year.” One of them reminded us the election is slated for next year. “Yes, it is true but the choices will be made for all of us this year by politicians. The parties will write the list we will choose from this year. Party primaries are where presidents and governors and others are chosen. That is what our law says. The kingmakers may want the next president to be a cripple who is also blind, deaf and dumb! They then programme all the parties to field candidates with those qualifications. After the primaries, the wily godfathers go to sleep, satisfied. The candidates are all theirs. You cannot choose outside their list. There are no independent candidates. Head or tail at the general elections, the godfathers win.

So, if you want a change from the present grossly disappointing lethargy, go join a party. Get the party card and make yourself an elector at the primary. “What if it doesn’t work? The primary could be rigged, the elections could be rigged too. What do we do?” Another of the celebrities asked. He looked genuinely worried. Young Pope remembered Yul Edochie with his failed bid for the Anambra Government House. “Yul was campaigning and telling the people he wanted to help them; the people were replying Yul: “Give us money.” Yet, Doris Simon remembered a community that demanded money before it could allow government build a road for its use. The situation is bad, very bad.  We agreed. “America is the model whenever we talk of democracy,” we reminded our hosts. “There was a time elections were stolen in America. It was done and nothing happened. If you lived in the 19th century up till early 20th century America, you would know that violence, bribery and open vote buying and selling were regular features of the American election.”

Indeed, according to historyextra.com “in Adams County, Ohio, in 1910, a judge brought to trial and convicted 1,690 voters – 26 per cent of the whole electorate – for selling their votes. In urban areas, political gangs openly used violence to carry elections. Isaiah Rynders was a notorious political boss and leader of the Empire Club in New York in the 1840s and 50s. He led a heavily armed team of bruisers, smashing up opposition political meetings and patrolling the polling places to deter anyone who did not support their candidates. But he was far from alone. Also in New York, in 1853, a Democratic candidate for Congress, “Honest John” Kelly (the nickname was ironic) took an army of dock workers and volunteer firemen into a polling station on election day, smashed up the tables and tore up opposition ballots.”

That was 19th century America. Can anyone do that again today in the US? That is the power of perseverance and of being hooked to goodness. We will also get there one day if we do not stop working to perfect our ways of doing things. The fathers of American democracy did not give up. If they had done so, their descendants would have, today, been as miserable as the poor in the woods of Africa. Again, we should be worried about the character of the country we are handing over. The brilliant among our children get scholarships to study abroad and escape Nigeria forever. The country of the future may just be incubating as a mediocre. It is only by reordering our lives that we can reset the country and give it a future of greatness. Our hosts brightened up.

Now, can we have your last word? Yomi Fash-Lansho and Freddie Leonard asked in a chorus, facing me. “My last word? Well, when I wanted to choose a wife, I had a mental picture of the kind of children I wanted. My children must be tall geniuses. So, the woman who would be mine must be tall and brainy. It is the same with a country and the leader it chooses. A patch patch woman will beget wishy washy children. Leaders chosen whimsically will be certain failure. Elect only leaders who believe in a future of greatness for Nigeria. You cannot sow failure and reap victory.” Our guests sang songs of conviction and victory. They are entertainers and they entertained us with their warmth. Their renewed hope in Nigeria rekindled in us too the possibility that Nigeria could be saved.

That was Thursday last week. The one-month show will end on 18 February. That was where I was coming from and I got stuck in Lagos’ mad traffic. And in that madness, a righteous cab driver attempted to cheat me. He did it exactly the way the politician in your state capital cheats you and swears that he is helping you. And you, you are suffering and hailing your oppressor. And because you are an unquestioning hailer, the politician cheats you further, farting into your hungry mouth. He has a succession plan and that is to hand you over to his son when he is fed and over fed. His son too will hand over your son to his own son to ride except you cast away the curse. You can only do that if you choose good leaders and you make your vote count this year, next year and in all the elections that meet you alive.

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