Child sexual abuse and societal stigma: Part II

Childhood sexual abuse is a very widespread problem that is unfortunately, associated with stigma, shame and a tendency to secretly push it under the carpet. Thus, in most instances, it often goes unreported as the family may wish to avoid the societal stigma and public humiliation if it were to become common knowledge.

Militants, Boko Haram frustrated my administration ― Buhari

All of these factors act independently and in tandem to ensure that we hardly ever hear about these cases, even though they may be happening right under our noses.

But this culture of silence and secrecy is unhelpful. On the one hand, it results in a situation where perpetrators often go scot-free; they escape sanctions as well as public ridicule and humiliation for their actions. Whereas, the burden of shame and the emotional turmoil and scars are borne by the young, and innocent survivors (and their families) for the rest of their life.

What are the emotional consequences for such people who have had these experiences? How can we help?

Low self-esteem and confidence

Individuals who have had such experiences often feel they are somehow ‘damaged’ and not like others. Thus, they may suffer from low self-esteem and be lacking in self-confidence. Or they may constantly feel weak and vulnerable. Such perceptions are wrong and should be countered.

The reality is that they are ‘survivors’ who have every reason to hold their heads high because they were able to withstand the adversity and cruelty of the adult perpetrators and they still have their entire life ahead of them. They need to stop looking back, or at best, do so only to the extent of taking away some lessons from the experience. But they should be forward-looking, with optimism and work towards achieving their dreams and goals.

Trust and relationships issues

In nine out of every 10 cases, the perpetrator is usually a known and trusted adult who may be family (including household staff such as drivers, gatemen e.t.c.), a teacher, a neighbor or religious personality. So, a relationship of trust and safety was turned on its head and replaced with fear, hurt, threats and intimidation. The sense of betrayal is usually very strong, leading to a lifetime of difficulties with trusting others.

This usually has ramifications for their ability to develop meaningful emotional relationships, leading up to marriage. And even where they succeed in getting married, the past experience may continually colour their perceptions and negatively affect their relationships or the quality of marriage.

Emotional turmoil and uncertainty

Childhood sexual abuse often results in confusion and several unresolved questions for the child. Why is he doing this to me? But my parents tell me that there is a God who watches over us all? Why didn’t my parents protect me? Who can I talk to? Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Should I be angry at myself? My Parents? The perpetrator? Everyone? So, an admixture of feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger, and despair may persist with such ‘survivors’ for the rest of their lives.

Mental health challenges in adulthood

Survivors are prone to experiencing depression, anxiety and have difficulties with relationships and trusting people. Anger management problems are also common. Some people may indulge in self destructive behaviours such as turning to alcohol and drugs; self-loathing and chaotic sexual lifestyles. Some may exhibit suicidal tendencies.

Have you experienced sexual abuse as a child?

First, no matter what, the abuse was not your fault. It’s never too late to start healing from this experience. The entire spectrum of possible consequences listed above, are the negative and traumatic reactions. However, they do not occur to each and everyone who has experienced it. Some may have only a few or none of these negative consequences, and may have successfully turned the corner – all on their own.

However, if you are still having some of these challenges, you may need to seek professional help from a mental health professional. But be rest assured that with professional help, you can successfully put it behind you, rebuild your life and go on to enjoy a successful and fulfilling life. You are a gallant ‘survivor’ despite the odds.

How can I help a friend with these experiences?

Do not be judgemental or dismissive about their feelings. Avoid statements such as “its being almost 20 years now, so just forget it”. Show empathy, and let them know that you are always there for them. Emphasize that it is not their fault and they should not blame themselves.

Constantly check in on them and be a cheer leader for them. Be patient as these symptoms are likely to be long term and may infrequently rise to the surface. Do not become exasperated. However, if you feel symptoms are severe enough, consider seeing a mental health professional.