Because I care

IT is exhausting. Every day, new headline. Every day, another person with a story about what happened to them. Every day, someone in the comment section of a verified Instagram news site says, “Why didn’t you say it before?”, “Why now?”, “Their career could be ruined.” “Just another slut out for money.” In the explosion of the Me Too movement, there was a sense of relief in knowing that deserving culprits had finally met their match. It was like a breath of fresh air knowing that the one thing that kept many people, especially women, on the alert was finally being questioned. Like a pin removed from the foot of an athlete, though it left a bleeding wound yet it was a rush of empowerment. A feeling of “we seem to have made it”, “we did it”. I have gradually become numb. I feel so much pain that innocent people had to experience something so heart-breaking and traumatic.

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Stop Street Harassment conducted a survey recently which showed that more than half of the female respondents experienced sexual harassment at work. In a place where everyone is meant to be professional. An environment where productivity is supposed to be the main objective. Greg from HR decides that Amanda looks nice in her skirt and therefore should be under him. NO. STOP. That is not okay. Someone’s going to say, “Oh, but why can’t she just report it?” Well, 75 per cent of women who reported sexual harassment faced some form of reprisals. Organisations who claim to take care of it either trivialize the situation or dismiss it entirely.  There are families that believe in protecting the reputation of the abuser simply because he is older and this seems more important to them than fighting for their children. Frequently we hear stories of how in certain homes a child is sexually harassed by an adult and rather than making the adult to face consequences of his action, the child is told to “cover up more” or they are asked why they were there with the violator in the first place. Few days after, the issue is swept under the rug.

There is a clear problem. I agree that when protecting your child, you shouldn’t be naïve as to what could happen. However, there is a clear problem in blaming a child for the actions of an adult which they had completely no control over. Too many of these stories exist. Each of them is equally painful to hear. All of them have terrible impacts on the victims. A lot of people would be surprised by how many around them have experienced these things and how often it has occurred. Some people would say “Dem no dey write am for the head.” Meaning it is not written on a girl’s forehead. It is appalling to see how shocked people are by the pervasive incidents of rape and sexual harassments. I am more exhausted than shocked because these stories are emotionally dreadful. Down the line, seeing how far a person has come from the pain they had to go through is empowering and inspiring to witness. It is just draining to watch people suffer or feel the hurt as they talk about it. I wish it didn’t happen to them but it did. I wish it did not hurt to say but it does. I wish they didn’t have to suffer through it but they did.

It is eerily funny how many people are quick to believe that the victim was at fault. Although it is possible that certain allegations might not be true but only few cases are made up. The percentage of false allegations is between 2 per cent and 10 per cent. The notion and attitude of automatically dismissing these claims is more harmful than many realise. Silencing people never works! It never has and never will.  It is unfortunate that when the most undeniable cases of sexual harassment are being considered, we are asked to consider the “fact” that there are two sides to every story. When it is doubtless and indisputable that a person is guilty, we are asked to protect the reputation of the offender. Honestly, what is done is done. I care less for whatever reputation you are trying to salvage. If you cared so much, you would not have done what you did in the first place.  It is unfortunate and regrettable that children are held accountable for evils committed against them.

Many institutions are complicit too. The bureaucracy is frustratingly less responsive as a result of its antiquated structure and system. The promises of safety and protection remain a rusewhen the authorities refuse to stop the problem. Shameful, utterly shameful. For those who have opinions, I have answers. For the people who say, “What about men?” let me ask you this- What is your opinion about the news of Terry Crews being sexually assaulted by a Hollywood Executive? What about the men who have talked about their experiences and have been laughed off the stage or called effeminate? What about the men that have been told to “man up and stop being so sensitive”. What about your friends that sexually assault other people but are disgustingly hailed for their exploits?

For those who say, “Why now?”, I ask, “Why not?” what about the countless number of people who spoke up “then” and were shut down. What about the people who reported and had to give up their jobs because it got worse.The people who had to sit through the countless efforts to prove their claims false because their assaulter was “a good man, a family man with a wife and children” or “a good boy who was active in school and played sports” or “a wonderful daughter who was in the church choir.” The children who had no one or nowhere to turn to because the family decided that their clothes  were the problem. The people who lost all their friends because they were “trying to sabotage someone with their lies”. The victims who were stripped of hope in their cry for justice. The hapless people who could not tell anybody as their self-esteem ended momentarily with the awful experience. For those who call a victim names like slut,hoe,prostitute ormoney hungry whore; I think you need to change your attitude towards the victims of sexual exploitation. All decent men and women must rise against the social vice by showing care for the victims.

It is unfortunate that hearing these stories only draws me closer to numbness. Every headline, every new victim, every feeling of pain, suffering and torment. I have empathy and sympathy for the countless victims. It is emotionally exhausting.

• Osunyikanmi writes in from Rees Hall, Portsmouth, United Kingdom.