Intimacy

11 ways to reignite the spark in a passionless marriage

Remind your partner (and yourself) that you appreciate them
There are times when couples become so familiar with each other that the marriage starts to feel like a stultifying — albeit comfortable — routine. There’s a real danger in that. Studies show that nearly half of men who have cheated say it was because of emotional dissatisfaction — and not sex. When men don’t feel connected or appreciated by their wives, they are vulnerable to the advances of any attractive woman who casts a lustful glance their way. And it works the other way as well.

Say thank you for the little things

Don’t keep score, constantly calculating who does what. Playing tit for tat is childish and will do nothing but chip away at the trust and connection you’ve built with your spouse. If you are so inclined, keep score of all the positive things your partner does in a day — and then thank them. Hopefully they’ll get the hint and do the same for you.

Practice honesty, even when you’re ashamed

If you feel you aren’t connecting with your partner the way you used to, you need to say something — now. Sometimes it takes a third party — a therapist— to get things back on track. Marriages rarely heal on their own.

Take care of yourself

You can give all the lip service in the world to the idea that appearances don’t matter. But how about health?

Foster relationships outside your marriage

Weekends away with friends are important breaks to take. Swapping stories with others and enjoying new experiences make us more interesting. Your marriage should be your primary relationship — but it needn’t be the only one.

Watch your words

We hopefully all have a pretty good sense of ourselves at this point and having someone you love point out a failing does little to engender a loving relationship. “You always…” or “You never…” Think about it. Neither of these is true. If you start a sentence with these words your mate is certain to shut down or start a fight. Stop for a minute and think about what you really mean to say — and then say that instead.

Put away the jumper cables yourself

In life, there are big things and there are little things. Most of us have problems that are more like petty and repeated annoyances. It is the small annoyances that, if left unaddressed, do us in. For a happier marriage, address them right away and keep it simple.

Relish the silence

Sometimes the best way to address a problem is to just walk away from it — as in seriously let it go. Not every slight must be addressed. Know that not every insult is intended. Practice letting go as much as you can. Forgive more. Forget more. Bite your tongue until the tip bleeds. And once in a while, remind yourself of why you married this person. Focus on those reasons and let stuff pass without mention. The trick to successful silence, however, is that you really let the problem pass. If you stay silent and still harbour bad thoughts, well, that’s where ulcers come from.

Recognise the ebb-and-flow

Relationships aren’t flat-lined; that’s death, actually. Life has ups and downs, peaks and valleys. We all go through periods where the mere thought of life without our partners can bring tears to our eyes and then a week later we can’t stand the sound of their breathing next to us. We’ve all been there. The trick is knowing that you won’t stay in either place forever. Truth is, in a marriage, you spend most of your time in an emotional middle ground. The middle ground is when months meld into years and you know what the reaction will be before you say something. It’s the everyday ebb and flow without the waves.

Be kind

We tend to take advantage of those we love the most — probably because we know they love us and we can get away with it. A much healthier pattern is to start out each day by asking yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner happy?” And mean it.

Maintain intimacy and passion, both inside and outside the bedroom

Intimacy isn’t just sex and passion isn’t just doing it on the kitchen counter. Bedroom habits age along with the marriage. There may be no stronger aphrodisiac than a moonlight walk on the beach that ends in a kiss. on’t let others define what is a “normal” or “healthy” amount of sex for your marriage. Know that things change, but that doesn’t make them less exciting or fun. And intimacy comes in many shapes, including conversation and cuddling.