I woke up this morning feeling the need to burst up the pent up emotion I have been holding for almost a year. In a few days from now, it will be exactly one year you slipped out of my life. My life has been in the position of a standstill since that day. I can hardly focus or concentrate on anything. Your thoughts filled up my days and your dreams take over my nights.
I don’t know if you can see me or not, but if you can see me I doubt if you would be able to recognize me. I’ve changed. I am lean and haggard. I have stopped drinking and smoking; though you tried to make me stop but you failed. I’ve become reclusive, an introvert, I seldom ever go out and most of my friends had given up on me. As I am writing this letter I looked at your picture by my side through the haze of tears. My life is like a truck that has gone mad. I have no control again. Sometimes I sit on your favourite sofa in the lounge and let the hot tears of pain and frustration fall unashamedly. I am no longer ashamed of crying. I cried at every pain I feel. I cry openly.
I have lost hope in living, I even tried to commit suicide thrice but I was rescued. I have lost my company because I couldn’t cope without you, though I was given a long period of time to recover from the shock of your loss but I couldn’t recover. The board of directors has been so compassionate with me but work must go on with or without me.
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Every time I flipped through our album, I saw your smiling happy face looking up at me from every page; I always feel some glow spreading through me. Your smile was like a streak of light breaking through the darkness of my life.
In the house, nothing has changed. The room is still the same way it was. Your side of the bed remains untouched and cold. The emptiness has been my companion. Your bedside table looks just the way you always wanted it to be; well arranged. I keep asking myself; do you remember me as I always remember you. Do you still think of me as I always think of you? It is hard to believe that you are not here with me; you are the face I see at night every time I dream. It’s so hard to believe that you are gone for good.
I flashed back to the first day I set my eyes on you. It was a very funny way. It was in primary school, your parents had just moved to the neighbourhood. I was a bully and I bullied you just because you were new in the school. It was during the lunch break, I was in the midst of my friends when I saw you sitting alone by the mango tree which we had made our relaxation spot every lunch break. I had seen you in the class earlier when the teacher introduced you as the new girl. I walked to where you were sitting and kicked your lunch box. You looked up at me in surprise and I shouted at you that you were sitting in my space. You quickly stood up and picked your lunch box and started walking away but one of my friends grabbed your arm and asked you to apologize to me before you go. You apologized and quietly went away whilst we laughed at your timidity. Since then I never stop picking on you until you left the school a year later.
Though fate tried to tear us apart but destiny brought us back together, now I was no longer the bully and you were no longer the timid funny looking girl. It was at the university. On this occasion, I was the victim and you came to my rescue. I stood by the bus stop and looked at my wristwatch in frustration, I had just missed the bus and I was running late for an examination. The next bus will only come in 15 minutes; that is the exact time the examination is starting. Suddenly, you drove up to me in your dad’s car and gave me a lift to the examination centre. You told me you are a Law student in the same university where I was studying Computer Science, we exchanged phone numbers and we met later in the evening for dinner. It was at the dinner that you reminded me of the incident in primary school. I had completely forgotten about it, I could not even recognize you; the timid funny looking primary school girl is now a beautiful and intelligent young lady. You said my act of bully made you want to become a lawyer; you wanted to be the helper of the helpless.
Our relationship kicked off that same night. I fell in love with you instantly and we became inseparable. You brought joy and happiness into my life and became the reason for my existence. With you by my side, my life will never be the same again. Before you, I was just a rolling stone; rolling and gathering no moss. I used to be a man about town easily switching from one relationship to another; I had lost count of the girls I dated before you. I am grateful to be in love with you. When love comes knocking on the door of my heart everything made more sense to me. All my friends were so shocked to see how you changed my life; my parents were left in awe of the sudden change in my lifestyle. It was no surprise when we decided to tie the knot immediately after our graduation from the university.
It was during our honeymoon that the problem started. I woke up around 7 am that Friday morning and turned to look at your side of the bed; you were still sleeping peacefully, you looked so beautiful and graceful even in your sleep. I knew you were a deep sleeper; I smiled to myself and thanked God for bringing you into my life. I gently pulled the duvet and slid out of bed, I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed. I started tiptoeing towards the door when I suddenly realized that something was wrong. I turned back and looked at you again, I moved closer to you to examine what I had just seen on the pillow. It was a bloodstain. My heart skipped a beat. I moved closer to you to see if you were breathing. I touched your neck gently and you turned; I was relieved that you were alive but I saw more blood. I became alarmed. I gently woke you up and you were also surprised to discover you were nose bleeding in your sleep.
That was the beginning of our problem. We went to the hospital when the bleeding couldn’t stop. A series of tests were conducted on you and you were diagnosed with Leukemia; Cancer of the blood. The doctor further went on to say that you have only a few weeks to live. This was a shock to us. We had a whole life of happily-ever-after ahead of us but suddenly all we were left with was a few weeks of pain and agony. I was heartbroken, your friends became sad, and your family was devastated.
The doctor recommended chemotherapy which we started immediately. The lively woman I fell in love with and married turned into a sick, helpless and sad woman in a twinkle of an eye while I watched helplessly. Is this what love is all about?
The pain you went through during the chemotherapy treatment was unspeakable. I hid my tears away from you as I cried every day. Your condition wasn’t improving. Then on New Year’s Eve, the unthinkable happened. You asked me to get you a bowl of ice cream; I was so excited because you had not been eating well for some days. I ran to the kitchen looking for the ice cream I bought you the previous day. I brought you the ice cream but you refused it saying you want a strawberry flavour. I had no choice but to go out that evening in search of the strawberry flavour you demanded.
Our apartment to the shops is about 5 minutes drive; you said you will be fine alone. I quickly rushed out to the car and drove off in excitement that you actually want to eat something. I bought as many ice creams as I could carry and drove back to the house. I ran to the room and I found you gasping for breath. I dropped the ice cream on the floor and ran to you. I quickly carried you and ran straight to the car. All the way to the hospital you kept telling me that you had to do what you did because you can no longer bear the pain, you also said you could not continue seeing me sad and helpless because of your condition. Because of the intensity of the pain, you are going through, I had to stop at the first hospital I saw.
It was at the hospital that it was discovered that you had overdosed yourself and you might not survive it because your immune system was too weak to keep you alive. I broke down and cried. I was allowed to see you. I walked to your bedside, held you in my arms and asked you why. You looked up at me and the only thing you could say was sorry. That was your last word then you went cold.
Angela, my life has remained cold ever since you left me. I cry every day. Your friends stood by me. Your family supported me. My friends tried their best. My family also tried to comfort me. But I also died the day you died.
Angie, if money could bring you back, I’m sure you’d be with me right now. If it’s the blood of goats or cows you’d be with me too. What didn’t I do to get over the pain? I have done all that is within my power at least God can bear me witness. Yet, I am still in pain. It’s going to be another New Year’s Eve soon and the pain of your death will intensify. I promised to love you till death do us apart but I am still loving you despite your untimely death. Even death has failed to conquer my love for you. I imagined if there is no death; we could have lived together happily forever.