Should spouses use sex as a means of protest?

Marriage is an institution one never graduates from. It comes with sweet moments and quarrels. No wonder, ‘it is for better, for worse till death do us part,’ although this catch phrase is going to extinction with rate of divorce cases. Many give excuses and go on sex strike as means of protest and this, sometimes, lead to separation. This prompted the question: Should spouse use sex as a mean of protest?

On WhatsApp Conversation, these are what those who joined the conversation and our experts said on the issue

My appointment as Emir of Bichi not to spite Emir Sanusi II ― Emir Bayero

Amusan Ayomide

No, couples have to imbibe the act of forgiveness. Also, the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 ‘The wife has not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise, also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud all of you not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that all of you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. So, it’s totally wrong.

Chikodi Annette

Ordinary boyfriend, they are starving them not to talk of the husband. I will starve him till his ancestors start giving him a hand job in his dream. Men that have small quantity of sense.

Rukayat Alabi

It’s wrong. This is the reason why we have more broken homes due to lag in communication. They keep grudges, deprive themselves of necessary need as well as lacking maturity in handling their issues. It is unreasonable.

Wale Adefemi

It’s not good because it gives room for infidelity. Partners can feign protest which can be allowed but it shouldn’t take longer than necessary. Outright denial is serious molestation. In fact, sex should be used as an act of settlement and not otherwise. God has given us that to tie the bond and companionship in our marriages. When we deny our partners the opportunity to feel at home with us, then we’re sending a negative signal that they can go and make do with whatever they can get out there.

Olorunsannu Godspower

Sex is a thing of the mind. If you aren’t in the right frame of mind, you won’t ‘feel’ it. If you aren’t happy with your spouse, you won’t have that sensation during sex and it won’t come naturally.

Bamidele Segun

No. It’s like starving a child from food, he will go hungry but instead of him to learn from it he will find solace somewhere else. So, what’s glory of the step taken? If starving him is to state the fact that you’re angry at something, yes, but don’t make it a regular.

Joshua Adeniyi

Sex shouldn’t be used as means of protest. The wife’s body belongs to her husband. It’s not proper. The quarrel should be settled amicably rather than to sex-starve your partner. But some women do that because of the kind of husband they have. They believe if not done, the man won’t have sober reflection. Nevertheless, it’s not a good tool of protest.

Kike Adekola

Sex as a means of protest is very wrong. However, you can’t be happy with someone and expect your libido to be active but it’s advisable for us to try as much as possible to always control our emotions.

Oduniyi Dolapo

None of them should use sex as a means of protest because they don’t own their body, it is a co-owned. Although some women capitalise on it, but I am not in support. It’s preferable they negotiate. What I mean by this is, when there is a conflict, it is advisable that the spouse give the partner ‘real sex’ which will serve as an indelible experience for him/her as a mean of negotiation to get what you want – otherwise birth separation.

Mansur Mosan

In Islam, it is wrong, especially for the woman to deny her husband sex. Socially, sex in a marriage is the lasting portion of love and aside from old age and excuse on health ground, absence of sex in a marriage is a clear indication of love lost.

Nero Alabake

I totally kick against it. What protest will make a wife use sex starvation as defense or strategy to express her mind? I guess she doesn’t understand the gravity of what she’s digging. If a wife has issues with her husband, she’d rather communicate it to her hubby rather than using sex starvation as a means of protest. Communication is a necessary tool in relationship /marriage and is best adopted to settle issues arising. It is best to tell him what he did wrong and you settle it amicably. Note that the more you starve your spouse, the more you give room for your spouse to cheat, the more he begs for it(sex), the stronger he loses interest in you as a wife. So, I will advise strongly that spouse should not use sex as a mean of protest but should adopt effective communication. With that, he/she would apologise sincerely and make an amend as a good partner.

Boluwatife Onatade

The idea of punishment in relationships is bad. When your partner does something wrong, call his attention to it with the intention of causing a change in their behavior. Punishments get people resentful and creates bad blood. These are not desirable in marriage. Let’s assume you can even punish, denying your partner sex should never be an option because sex is not your exclusive preserve. If I want to have sex, you deny me, I would find alternatives and when things go bad I would cite you denying me sex in the first place as what pushed me out. At the end of the day, you create more problems than what you solve in the marriage. Also, a violent husband might still rape you still in that denial.

Expert speaks

Blessing Bada is our expert on the issue: ‘in as much as I wouldn’t want to support sex strike in a marriage to correct any ill or wrong done by any of the spouses, yet the fact that a stable mind is needed for a sweet and smooth sexual relationship between couples cannot be overemphasised. However, sex strike cannot be eroded in marriage, but it shouldn’t be used always.  Mostly, it is found among female folks just to discipline their husbands but marriage counselors will always say: ‘You can punish your spouse some other ways but definitely shouldn’t be through sex because the body doesn’t belong to you alone but both of the parties’.  So, going on sex strike on a partner for a wrong doing isn’t appropriate but when one of them is at risk of contracting STI due to sex-capades or infidelity of the other, I would advise sex strike. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Next week on WhatsApp Conversation, we would be treating: Would you marry a spouse who may not bear a child?

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