IN what was termed ‘walk against rape’, the wife of the Ondo State governor, Chief Mrs Betty Anyanwu Akeredolu, recently staged a peaceful walk/protest with other women in the state capital, Akure. No doubt, the walk was to call attention to the continuing high rate of rape and child defilement in Ondo State and in the country at large. And there is no denying that such protest and other related actions have raised the tempo of the conversation about rape culture and sexual assault in Nigeria’s existential and media spaces. Nigerians are not only discussing the ugly trend of rape culture more openly, but are also expressing worries that enough efforts are not being made by governments and relevant authorities to decisively address this growing cankerworm. Yet, while recognising the crucial importance of the responsibility of government in this regard, it is pertinent to also allow the protest led by the Ondo governor’s wife to speak to and serve as a reminder to parents about the part they could actively play in fighting the scourge. This is because the family and its socialization responsibility is key to the formation of personality and behavior and in this regard every parent would have a role in countering rape culture and preventing sexual violence as there is no doubt that a child is most influenced by his/her parents during his/her formative years.
It has also been contended that how a man treats women is reflective, to a large extent, of his relationship with his mother, her attitude and beliefs and the dynamics between both his parents. In essence, rape culture as a term tries to capture the very public and often pervasive attitudes in society that highlight coercion and control as central to sexual relations, especially in a context of pervasive sexual objectification. And while many parents discuss with older children and teens how to improve their safety in this culture, families are still often silent about these issues during the early stages of childhood development even as it is during this crucial period that parents could give children the most effective tools to recognise high risk attitudes in society. By all measure, sexual harassment and assault are problems we can’t ignore and we need to include the next generation in the tough conversations. Though a challenging topic to discuss, and could even be more difficult when you’re talking about protecting your own children, but conversations about sexual assault and harassment can be part of the safety talks you’re already having with your wards as parents. Yet basic safety ideas like knowing when to speak up and listening to your gut are important parts of educating kids about sexual assault. Teaching your children how to talk about their bodies, boundaries and secrets are important steps because kids become conscious of their bodies and how they relate to others long before adulthood hits.
Important to realise also is that our children are necessarily going to learn about the world around them and their role in it and if they don’t learn from us, they will learn from someone else. Hence, talking to kids openly and honestly about difficult topics like sexual assault gives them accurate and helpful information from the person they trust the most—you. In this case, show them through your everyday speech that you won’t accept sexist slurs in your family. For instance, you don’t and won’t accept belittling words about females and you expect your kids to follow in your example. However, teaching young boys to play nice is important and modeling behavior toward women is also good and helpful. But we also need to do much more than that; we need to acknowledge that as these young boys grow into adolescence and early adulthood, they are going to be bombarded by a combination of compelling physical urges and physical power while simultaneously achieving broad license to govern their own behavior, and that they must learn to channel and sublimate those things, if they are not to harm others and themselves. Even more important than explaining to them the ways they can keep themselves safe, we need to explain to them that rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual bullying and unwanted sexual advances are all completely unacceptable. It is on us as parents and guardians to talk to our wards about boundaries, about consent, respect for people and for their bodies. We have got to teach them what rape means, and how it happens and by so doing, conversations about sexual assaults in adulthood would then become the culmination of a long process started very early in childhood.
On the whole, the ongoing horror of sexual violence in the society – from the countless sexually defiled kids to Ochanya, the young teenage girl raped and killed in Benue State, and to the many unreported cases – has proven to be a wake-up call for many parents. Of course, this is not to say that because of this pervasive culture every child would necessarily grow up to rape anyone. No parent wants to believe their child could grow up to do something so grievously wrong as rape. But rape still happens anyway, telling us about the need for action and intervention. So, while we teach daughters to be smart and stay out of dangerous situation, it’s about time we taught and raised our sons also not to engage in rape and sexual assault. To be sure, no amount of conversation will ever make consent and non-resort to sexual assault simple because they are unavoidably complex, thorny, awkward, and complicated. The hope nonetheless is that starting the dialogue early at the level of parents in the family will at least make it easier. In any case, we owe it to our children to shift this culture into one of constructive engagement instead of passive acceptance of the current ugly situation, because we all want our children to enter adulthood armed with the best tools to steer their life’s course, even as the Bible reminds us in Proverbs 22, verse 6 to train up our children in the way they should go, and when they are old, they would not depart from it.
- Yakubu is with the Department of Mass Communication, Kogi State University, Anyigba, Nigeria.