FIRST comes love, then comes marriage, then comes happily ever after. End of story, right? Not always. While it’s true that couples may relax a bit after they’ve tied the knot, they may feel confused or worried if or when their fairy tale starts to slip away.
“Many people think that marriage is about marrying the right person, so when things go wrong, they automatically go to the ‘Crap, I accidentally married the wrong person’ place,” says Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After. “Although you do want to marry someone you are basically compatible with, marriage has a lot less to do with marrying the right person than it has to do with doing the right things with the person you married.” In other words, relationships are a constant work in progress.
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To maintain the happy and loving connection that made you say “I do” in the first place, try out these 14 expert tips to rekindle a marriage.
- Resist entering into a critical mindset
There may be a time when your partner did something that hurt you, and never apologized for it. Maybe they even continue to do it, despite you letting them know that it bothers you. This can cause you to develop a bitterness towards them, according to neuropsychologist and life coach Sydney Ceruto, Ph.D. “At some point, any person in a marriage may find themselves observing their partner through a critical lens,” Dr. Ceruto says.
“Spouses also start magnifying or zeroing in on their partner’s mistakes, cataloguing their flaws, and building a case to use at a later date,” she adds. “It is way too easy when you live in close quarters with someone to pick them apart and get annoyed at some of their habits, when after all, the truth is, your partner probably always had these qualities, even when you first fell in love.”
- Treat your spouse with kindness
Instead of being critical, try treating your partner with kindness, as Dr. Ceruto says it’s the key to keeping your love alive. “Research has shown that taking more loving actions actually makes you feel more in love. In any interaction with your partner, whether it’s personal or practical, try to be kind in how you express yourself,” Dr. Ceruto explains. “This softens your partner, even in heated moments. Continuing to be loving and generous has a huge payoff as it not only keeps love alive, it fosters a deeper level of intimacy.”
- Steer clear of projection
According to Everyday Health, projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which people accuse others of behaving or feeling a certain way because actually, they themselves feel that way. Projection can stem from difficult childhood experiences that carry into adulthood. “A common reason couples become so critical towards their partner is because they tend to project negative traits of their parents or early caretakers onto their partners,” Dr. Ceruto says. “They also tend to assume their partner will act in the same ways that hurt them in the past and often read or misread their partner’s words and actions.”
- Reflect on what you love and appreciate in your partner
What qualities about your spouse do you admire or feel amused by? “If you like that they’re adventurous, keep sharing new activities,” Dr. Ceruto suggests. “If you enjoy their playfulness in your communication, encourage bantering and the sharing of new ideas. If you value that they’re warm and affectionate, make sure to connect with them each day, rather than getting caught up in other quotidian things.” Your husband or wife will appreciate your interest in doing things with them that you know they enjoy, and it’s likely they’ll do the same right back for you.
Courtesy: www.woman’sday.com
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