A lot of myths surround sex and one of such is that a man may not want sex because his wife is unattractive or unenthusiastic; the fact is that this accretion may not be true. Beautiful, fit, desirable, and desiring women sometimes complain about the fact that their husband’s sometimes don’t want sex too.
If this is the case, then, there must be reasons why men may not want sex. Let us examine some possible ones and how women can help around such:
Work or career:
When men are passionately involved with their careers, they can sublimate sexual excitement that would normally be directed toward their wives. The accolades, money and ego boost from being regularly praised, or promoted, can be a turn-on for some men.
What the woman can do: Be interested in the details of his career so you can share this aspect of his life. Take a quick note or two to remember specific project details. But also request that cell phones be turned off some hours every day, and a date night every week. You can also consider scheduling intimacy time for the morning.
Sometimes, men feel bad asking for sex all the time. They also want to negotiate sex; so they take their desire, literally, into their own hands. They masturbate to pornography or their own fantasies because this is quick and efficient.
Some men feel exquisite vulnerability at being dependent on another person for their desire to be satisfied. Our society idealises a man who needs nothing; the rugged individual. Boys can internalise the idea that being dependent makes them less male. And childhood patterns of interrupted care, or neglect from constantly busy parents, can cause boys and girls to decide that needing someone else for anything, sexual desire inclusive, is dangerous.
What the woman can do: Tell your husband that sex is necessary for your marital happiness. Request that he try to cease from masturbation to build partner desire. Remind yourself that his lack of desire might not be personal, but a defense against loss of attachment. And agree on a frequency of intimacy that makes you both happy.
Anxiety about erectile dysfunction(ED), early ejaculation (EE) and delayed ejaculation(ED).
Erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation might have diverse causes but their common factors; a man’s frustration, worry and feelings of inadequacy can shut things down sexually between husband and wife.
What the woman can do: The issue may be more about performance anxiety than low libido. But these feelings may lead them to turn away from sex right at the time their post-menopausal wives are worried about waning attractiveness.
Advise him to see a urologist first and check his testosterone levels. If it is recommended for him to use Viagra or similar medication; be enthusiastic about the extra time that can be spent in foreplay and encourage him.
Also, ask for “sexy time” and talk about the desire for stoking and being naked together. Ask for your own orgasm and potentially the lack of pressure will allow his natural response.
For younger men: Younger men struggling with these issues will double their anxiety by worrying about their partner’s reaction, so, be kind. Secondly, Insist, but diplomatically that he should get help.
Women, of course, want their partner to climax but increasing the flexibility about how that happens; perhaps not inside the vagina but occasionally lying together while he finishes with masturbation, will reduce his anxiety.
Early ejaculation is easily resolved with sex therapy, but asks him if he indulges in pornography,. That could be a factor in his ED or difficulty with reaching orgasm.
His inner world outvotes the caveman. A reticent, kind, male man who struggled with low libido, opened up about three aspects of his libido: the first was an awkward teenager who felt anxious about initiating.
Second part was a twenty-year-plus; feminist male who thought sex was degrading for women.
Third, a caveman that was horny and hungry for sex. He said that the first two characters always out voted the blatant needs of the third and so he remained silent with his wife about his desire. His wife listened in awe as her usually quiet husband revealed his complexity, she then asked later if just once she could have sex with his caveman.
What the woman can do: Use psycho dynamic therapy or dream analysis to help understand the inner make-up of his libido. This is the interaction of the emotional and motivational forces that affects behaviour and mental states, especially on a subconscious level. This will help you know what goes on in his mind, to be able to deal with the realities on ground.