Am I the father of these boys?

Dear Monica,

I need you to help me out, I am down and out; though still on my feet, but I can tell you I am flat out; emotionally and in any other way you can describe it.

I never knew I have been living on a keg of gun power which is about to explode and this situation depends on me; yes, it is in my hands. I could either keep quiet or burst the bubble. Unfortunately, it is not a type of issue you can confide in anyone or a family member because all I have worked for will crumble like the cookies.

For over two weeks now that I learnt of this bitter truth, I have not been able to look at my wife in the face. She has been asking me if anything was wrong with me, but how will I tell her that I have discovered she has been unfaithful to me and that I am not the father of our two boys; those beautiful angels?

She is guilty, yes; I am equally guilty. My inability to tell her is as a result of my guilt as well. She must have taken the bull by the horn and looked for a solution to our problem especially her trauma in my mother’s hands.

I am my mother’s only child, and I came into her life quite late when she was advanced in age. My father, typical of most African men couldn’t wait; he had married another woman who had already bore him children. God however gave my mother joy through me.

Being an only child, one would believe that my mother would spoil me silly, but trust her she didn’t. She was firm and made sure I went to school and I became a graduate and even had post graduate degrees. You know what teenage years were like, especially when you find yourself in the wrong group. This was what happened to me just when I gained admission into the university.

My friends and I planned and gang raped a lady almost all of us had asked out, but she refused to date any of us. After this incident, I started feeling uncomfortable with my organ. I couldn’t urinate and when I raised this with my friends, they said they felt the same way. One of us who was then older said we could have contracted gonorrhea from the girl, but the others said it was not it.

Eventually, we concluded that it was gonorrhea; a friend said we should visit a herbalist who would treat us. The man actually treated us all. I felt better, but the cure was not complete. I had traces of Sexually Transmitted Diseases STDs, off and on, despite the fact that I didn’t have sex with any other woman.

Eventually, I had to confide in my mother about two years after when I couldn’t have an erection. Though she was shocked, but she took me to a doctor who treated but failed to tell me that I could have long lasting damage.

After I was healed, life continued and after my Masters degree and a well paying job, I met and married my wife. Like every mother who has an only child, my mother was impatient with us. She wanted grand children without delay.

My wife went from pillar to post, the pressure was quite much, I knew it. I wasn’t of much help too because I refused to see doctors with her. I derided myself with the belief that she was the one with the problems.

Eventually, she became pregnant seven years after our marriage. Even before she gave birth to our first son, my mother was ecstatic and pampered her. When Oluwasinaayomi was born, our marriage and home became magical and it wasn’t a surprise to anyone when she announced when Sina was about nine months that she was pregnant again.

Our joy knew no bounds when she gave birth to another boy, Ayomidipupo. I love my wife and boys with my life and will do anything for them. We are a happy family until few months ago when in the bid to better the lot of my family; I applied and secured a better job. This job however required that I undergo a comprehensive series of medical checkups.

It was during this process that I was told that I cannot father a child due to the fact that my sperm had been destroyed by the fact that I left the gonorrhea I contracted while I was young untreated for too long. I didn’t believe this and I went to two other doctors, our family doctor who treated my wife all the while for infertility, inclusive and the answer was the same.

Our family doctor read my mind perfectly, and he counseled me to take things easy. I have since been baffled and depressed. My wife as I stated above has started asking me questions. What would I tell her? How do I handle this situation? I am so sad; help me before I do something desperate.